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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 4, 2013 9:30am-10:01am PST

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>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen? >> have you been on fox and friends? >> no. >> had to cancel so that i could come on with you? >> oh. what is that guy tonight, a mcdonald's corporate secret comes to light,
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we have all been eating a little bit of grimace. then a new way to increase workplace productivity, get ready for apple's new i-catheter. and my guest ed stone is a nasa scientist who over saw the voyager space missions, well in my studio everyone can hear me scream. >> north korean kim jong un reportedly fired his own uncle, no word yet whether he fired him into a mountain or the sea. this is the colbert report. [ cheers and applause captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you.
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>> stephen! stephen! stephen! [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah, i i'm angry too. >> as america's most famous catholic, folks, you know i have tried to cut the "new pope" over here some slack. i wasn't thrilled when he washed the feet of muslim criminals, kissed the uninsured and got all misty about the low-income moochers out there. >> they put less in the collection plate each week but they want the same amount of heaven? huh-uh. read your fine print. the meek shall inherit the earth when i am done with it. >> but, folks, this week there was news out of the holy see that has me holy seething. >> the pope may have a secret life, rumors he sneaks out of the vatican at night might be true. the pope dresses in
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regular priest clothes and goes into rome and ministers to the homeless, the pope considered himself -- >> oh, my god! >> he is a vigilante i have car. >> vicar, coming to the help of those in need .. he is a bat pope! holy, holy father! >> it all makes so much sense now, he is just like bruce wayne. he is a wealthy bachelor who lives alone in a giant mansion, and bruce wayne has the batmobile, while francis has the popemobile. not only that, batman talks to morgan freeman, and the pope talks to god, who is also morgan freeman. >> and -- and -- [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: just like the bat suit, the pope suit has nipples.
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>> folks, i enjoy food. this is thought for food. >> we live where big government food police, they spend all of their time counting the rat turds in my tortilla while the rabbit is still out on the street turning trix for kids! >> it is disgusting. >> well now the nance any state buzz killers of the fda wants to take away another foodstuff because it contains neither food or stuff. >> you go to restaurants the fda plans to ban trans fat from the food i have. >> it is a ingredient in a lot of our favorite foods. >> microwave popcorn, cookies, cakes, frozen pizza, and much more. >> the only person who stands up for trance fats, if it is so bad for you, why are they in food and i suspect the answer is they
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are delicious. >> well that may sound likes an idiotic thing to say but let me be the only person standing up for tucker carlson, if he says stu, if he is so stupid, why is he on fox news? [ cheers and applause ] >> folks, he is not the only person standing up for trans fats. >> they are coming after your doughnuts, they are coming after the trans fat in your doughnuts. >> yes, they are coming after our doughnuts, for pete's sakes they have already taken away the holes and why? on the flimsy excuse that trance fats are proven to cause heart disease the number one killer of adults in america, of the adults in america so obviously they are safe for children. >> folks, you can have my trance fats, you can have my trance fats when you scrape them out of my cold dead heart, of course we won't notice it is gone just because trance fats don't have any particular taste.
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no particular taste? that is america's favorite flavor. >> you try long john silver's breaded! strips, the closest i can get is strip. >> the best argument against the government's attack on our gentleman dezero crisco values comes from the heritage foundation in a recent article entitled fda's proposed trans fat ban an attack on freedom. they write, quote, a person doesn't eat a corn chip with trans fat and then die, the dose makes the poison, even if they eat so much trans fat they in fact do have greater health risks this is their personal and informed choice. yes, those who eat trance fats are making an informed choice. just ask the average joe filling his cart with frozen cinnamon buns he will tell you he has a hankering for adding a hydrogen at familiar to a fatty acid reducing the number of double bonds to the makes a malleable mixture of fat that cannot be
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metabolizing causing damage to the tissues. [ cheers and applause ] at least that is what i think he is saying. his mouth was fuddle of unchewed bun. >> i hope the national heritage gets it right if you don't drop dead after eating a chip it shouldn't be regulated like if you don't immediately die from ingest ago small amount of fiberglass it is time to put it in all of our snacks. >> i mean, they already sprinkle it on hostess snowballs. >> next up, folks i have been a fan of mcdonald's, the they aree king of burgers, well, folks, i am excited because recently we got a behind the look scenes of one of mcdonald's treasured meat witches. >> they say ignorance is bliss, right, joe. >> and that may apply to the mcdonald's mcrib sandwich. a photo of, was taken by a mcdonald's employee of a -- >> oh, goll, sweet jesus. it went viral.
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>> is there no shame? >> mcdonald's says the patty is formed in the shape of traditional ribs, they flash freeze the meat before sending it out to the restaurants. that is gross. >> stephen: or maybe you are the one that is gross, mika, there is nothing wrong with a mcrib just because it appears to be made out of sickly et. >> i have always been a firm believer that the best food raises more questions than it answers. if anything, this photo makes me want this thing even more. because it only adds to the great american mystery that is the mcrib. the elusive mcrib has appeared and disappeared on mcmenus with little warning like a meat brigadoon. mcrib hunters never know what bribs brings it out of hiding, is it a surplus of slaughterhouse floor scrapings, and its contents have always
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been cloaked in mystery, the mcdonald's site lists 70 ingredients none of which are rib, though it does include azo-dicarbon-amide, a flour bleaching agent used in yoga mats. >> so even a mcrib technically counts as exercise. [ applause ] and this photo might just explain mcdonald's new slogan, think with your mouth. because if you think with your brain, i am not sure if you would eat it. we will be right back. [ cheers and applause ](@my+nxlw
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[ cheers and applause ] >> welcome back, everybody. nation, you know i like to stay on the cutting edge of technology, every time they announce a new tech device i am the first one to receive a alert
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on my beeper. that is telling me right now to check the old fax machine. >> what's that? i get 1,000 free aol minutes? i can finay finish down lowing that picture of teri hatcher! force. >> folks, that is why i was so excited to learn about an amazing new product from double robotics. >> when you need to be in the office but can't be there, how about having a robot stand in your place? that's the idea with double, double is the ipad camera as your remote eye, double is what businesses who want to have a physical presence in the office. >> it's like you're actually right here! >> that's right. a mobile robot that gives
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telecommuters a life like presence at the office, as long as that office does not include stairs. >> now, sure, before the double came along you could skype with your coworkers, but that robs you of the most fun part of the workday the valuable time you spend walking from room to room. >> even office affairs are easier with a double, now you can stay at home while still getting it on with your assistant vanessa in the broom closet or skyping janet from accounts and making a three-way. but don't forget to use surge protection. the only problem i see -- yes, people love janice. people love janet. the only problem i see with the double is that that if everybody starts telecommuting to the office there will be no one left to pick up all the overturned robots. iif you're as committed to productivity as i am, you'll bring the double with you to work, first of all you can use
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the car pool lane, and best of all the double saves money by eliminating expensive staff like by unpaid intern, jay the intern, speaking of which i can go for a nice warm cup of coffee. jay, get on out here. come on, jay. [ cheers and applause ]. yes, stephen? >> don't talk to me, jay. talk to me. here we go. all right. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: jay, come on, talk to me. there you go. stop. there. stop there. there you go. there you go. there you go. there you go. there we are. jay, i have something very important to tell you. >> yes? >> stephen: talk to the stick! >> okay. >> stephen: you're fired. >> but who will bring you your coffee? >> stephen: give it to the
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stick! thank you. now, adios, you parasite, come on, get out of here. >> okay. now that that ugly business is over, time to enjoy my piping hot cup of joe. all right. let's do this thing. here we go. yep. there we go. down and in. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: jay! jay? we will be right back. jay, are you there? [ cheers and appla ,x รณ@welcome back, everybody.
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my guest tonight, good news. the prostate is perfectly normal. please welcome ed stone. [ cheers and applause ] thanks so much for coming on. mr. stone, dr. stone, just ed? >> ed is fine. >> all right, ed. listen, you were -- you are professor at cal tech and you were former director of the nasa jet propulsion laboratory. now, explain why gpl is so important, why is that so important? >> gpl is designs spacecraft
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that go to the planets and also does earth observations and astrophysics and well. >> stephen: and you are the guys controlling it once it gets on the planet or gets around the planet or something like that? >> that's right. >> stephen: and astronauts they get all the ticker tape parades and i love them and i want to be one, but you guys are the guys who are humping it day and night, year after year to learn things about our solar neighborhood, right? >> that's right. >> stephen: do you ever get angry at those guys? >> no, we are having too much fun. >> stephen: how did you get into doing this? >> actually, i was a graduate student in the, when the space-age began so i was there at the beginning and i have been doing these things now for over 50 years. >> stephen: now, we have a little, a video right here, this is the voyager spacecraft being launched, what year are we talking about here? >> we launched two spacecraft in 1977 and that was a very special year, once every 176 years you
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can launch a spacecraft that can fly by all four of the giant outer planets, jupiter, saturn, uranus and neptune, 1977 so that's what we did. >> stephen: the moon is in the seventh house and mars is aligned -- >> that's right. >> stephen: the dawning of the age of aquarius. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: all right. so those voyager's original mission? >> its original mission was actually a mission to saturn because in that time spacecraft didn't last long so a four-year mission, everything after that was sort of a bonus so after we finished saturn we went on to uranus and after that we went to neptune and now we are finally reached interstellar space. >> stephen: some of the photos it was able to bring back, tell me we are talking about 1980, 81? >> that is 1979 when we flew by jupiter and the great red spot, all of the storms you can see in the jovial atmosphere. >> stephen: the first close-up shot we ever got. >> that's right. >> stephen: and let's cycle through these. >> and then saturn, 1980 and 1981 with the wonderful ring system and looking at i it its
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satellites and one of the moons called titan which has an atmosphere like earth's. >> stephen: now, jim, one of the things i really like, a great shot of the rings is that we were the first ones, we were the first ones on earth, the first country to do this thing, right? >> right. >> stephen: we kind of licked every planet, all right? it is like licking the doughnuts on a tray, we own them now, right? >> we own them. the solar seasonal is kind of america's isn't it? >> you got it, that's right. >> stephen: so how many years now has it been up there? >> 36 years. >> stephen: 36 years? >> 36 years. >> four-year mission, 36 years? >> yes. we took it step-by-step. this is humanity's longest, greatest journey adventure. >> stephen: now something shall not we recently found out on august 20 get of 2012 the data has been crunched over the last year and you scferd something that happened on august 5th, 2012. >> the sun creates a huge bubble around itself, the atmosphere expands outward at a million miles per hour and we finally left the bubble on august 25th of last year and now there is,
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we are in space between the stars. >> stephen: so humanity is in interstellar space now. >> humanity is in interstellar space for the first time. >> stephen: how did you know. >> because we measured what was out there and measured it was different than we had been seeing for the firth 30, for the first 35 years. >> what is out there? because as far as i know nothing is out there. >> well, almost nothing. there are some atoms, some ions out there that have come from the explosion of other massive stars, super novas and that fills the space between stars. >> so now we are out of the solar system. >> yes, while we are out of the bubble we still aren't beyond the come mets, the come mets are part of the solar system as well and are in interstellar space where voyager is now. >> stephen: the so the fact that human at this is outside of the bubble, we left our neighborhood, is that significant? it sounds i believe press receive. how come there aren't, again, parades because this is significant like columbus discovering america? are we
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going to get off a day off and a mattress sale? >> we should. >> stephen: we should. >> we should, right. it really is a first step for our human journey beyond earth and beyond the planets and into stellar space and these two spacecraft now will be in orbit around the sun of our galaxy for billions of years. >> stephen: really? >> yes. >> >> stephen: what are they running on by th by the way. >> natural decay zero, it is a very long lived power source and run for probably about another ten years. >> stephen: so it will be dead by 20 -- >> 20-20 five. >> stephen: to 25 and after thats is a flying junk heap? >> it is our flying ambassador. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: what is a silent ambassador. >> it carries a message from earth saying this is the place that sent this object, so that -- >> stephen: is that what this is? >> that is what that is.
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behind that cover, that's a cover to protect the record that is behind it. an old-fashioned 16 and two-thirds double sided long-playing record which is carries a picture, like an image, a story of the earth,. >> stephen: so we are hoping that the aliens are hipsters who enjoy vinyl? [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: well, congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: to you and to everyone at gpl, humanity is now in interstellar space. ed stone. we will be right back. uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
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>> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, nasa we bestow a major honor of ed stone. please welcome galactic commander stephen tiberius colbert! >> stephen: look at me. i'm sandra bullock! >> all right. that's enough. that's enough. that's it. okay. mr. stone, ed, please rise. please rise. >> it is now my honor to present
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nasa's distinguished public service medal to edward c. stone for a lifetime of extraordinary scientific achievement and outstanding leadership of space science missions, and for his exemplary sharing of the exciting results with the public. ed. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: a grateful nation thanthanks you. >> thank you. >> stephen: ed stone, everybody. good night! good night, moon. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

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